Compromise and Commitment

Compromise:  Compromise and cooperation are hallmarks of equality.  If partners consider one another equally important, and each feels equally valued in the relationship, you will create the best circumstance for love and happiness to thrive.  When neither person feels short-changed, it is easier to have an attitude of generosity, goodwill, and cooperation.  The following principles facilitate the making of decisions by consensus (versus unilateral decisions which leave one partner dissatisfied).

  1. Look for solutions that are win-win.  The idea of winning, where the opponent loses, can work in games like chess or basketball, but not in marriage.  When you are connected to someone (in marriage, or other close relationships), when you “win,” and they “lose,” you'll lose as well, in the long run.  

  2. A win-win approach looks for solutions that please and work for both of you.  If your heart’s dream is to vacation in Hawaii, and your partner’s dream is Las Vegas, you may need to work hard to come up with win-win solutions.  Possibilities might be to have a short Vegas vacation this winter, and next year, have a week in Hawaii.  Or, you might have to find a 3rd destination that pleases you both.    

  3. Recognize that “compromise” solutions do not have to be lesser solutions.  Cooperative, problem-solving approaches can result in creative solutions that are better choices.   

  4. Realize that your differences can bring Zing to the relationship.  If you value differences, you will also acknowledge that although your preferences are different, neither of you is inherently right or wrong.  This acknowledgement can keep you from the trap of insisting on having your own way, "because you are right."

Commitment:  Are you capable of coming to a decision, and making a commitment to yourself, as well as to the other person, so that you work on living out your commitment?  

A commitment is different than a promise.  We may view promises as obligations to others.  A commitment, however, is a pact with oneself.  

It requires planning and work in order to follow through and to keep to the commitment.  The commitments we hold, plan for, and follow through with shape our lives. 

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This article is by Dee Marx-Kelly, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  Dee welcomes your questions and comments.  Her number in San Jose is (408) 246-3525,

 or by e-mail at dmk@surfnetusa.com or, click on the mail link:   

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