A
Good Basis for Marriage A hundred years
ago, marriage was viewed from a practical standpoint—a marriage was an
economic family partnership. Without
the ability to choose or control the time of arrival or number of children,
marriages were necessary to ensure social and financial survival of children.
Most of us in modern times consider the economics of a relationship as
a relatively minor part of the arrangement. Most
of us expect to be in love with the person we marry, at the time of the
marriage. Still, many of us marry
for the wrong reasons. I believe
it is unwise to marry for the following reasons:
to
get away from controlling parents
because
you have no vocation or skills to support yourself
to
spite someone or prove something to someone
to
avoid not being chosen ("What if no one else wants to marry
me, ever?")
because
marriage proves he or she loves you, and marriage resolves your
insecurity
to
avoid losing the relationship (quickly marrying when the relationship
becomes shaky)
Most relationships reach a point where the natural progression leads either to separation or greater commitment. If you haven’t worked out the issues between you, the relationship is likely to fade, and fail. If you’ve been in the relationship long enough to have achieved workable patterns of communication, conflict resolution and so on, the relationship is more likely to deepen and move in the direction of greater commitment. You’re likely to have a solid basis for marriage if:
you
are well acquainted with one another’s strengths and weaknesses
you
know one another’s history, especially the serious negatives.
you
value and support your partner’s hopes and dreams.
you’re
both able to be responsible.
you’re
comfortable with each others way of living in the world (e.g., neat vs.
messy).
you're
at ease with your partner’s style and frequency of expressing affection
you’re
seeing your partner objectively
you’ve
agreed what place religion (or lack of it) will have in your lives.
you're
in agreement on moral issues you may face—e.g., birth control, abortion.
you
agree about having (or not having) children, and general ideas for
parenting.
you're
willing to allow the other person equal rights, respect, and
consideration.
the strengths of your partner
genuinely outweigh his or her weaknesses.
This
article is by Dee Marx-Kelly, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Dee
welcomes your questions and comments. Her number in San Jose is (408)
246-3525, or
by e-mail at dmk@surfnetusa.com
or, click on the mail link: 