Your
Own Work Have you done your own
work? Whether in counseling or on our own, everyone has “work” to do upon
reaching adulthood. No matter how
loving and caring our families are all of us reach adulthood with some
shortcomings, insecurities, or lack of skills.
When we do our work, we are happier, healthier, and more effective in
personal relationships and job settings.
Consider the following:
How is your self-esteem? Is it
solid in every area?
Are
you pleased with your looks, your body image?
Have
you learned good communication, conflict resolution, and anger
management skills?
Do
you have bouts of insecurity or jealousy?
Are
your expectations for a relationship truly realistic? Or, do you expect your partner to spend all of his or her extra
time and attention with you?
Are you able to exert appropriate
self-discipline?
On
the other hand, are you fearful of commitment, and uncomfortable with even
a moderate amount of closeness and connection?
Do
you have fears, anxiety, or depression with which you have not dealt?
Are
you able to assert yourself appropriately, or are you passive-aggressive?
Any of these items (and many more) can keep you from having optimal relationships if left unresolved, because they limit your ability to be close, and your comfort with intimacy.
Virtually everyone has the "work" of figuring out how to be a healthy and productive adult. Parents and other significant figures in your life influenced your patterns of interaction and coping. In areas where you had really good and healthy models for behavior, you may be just fine. On the other hand, when the behavior of those around you was less productive and not so healthy, you will not have internalized good patterns of relationship, self-discipline, or life management. The list, below, gives some examples of areas of less-than-optimal experiences.
Did either parent drink (shop, work, do other drugs, gamble) to excess?
Did your parents have
"rules" for conflict resolution, or did they bicker or fight with
one another? Did they call names, or engage in other put-downs?
Did your parents have a
friendship (with one another)?
Did your parents' marriage model equality (each
partner is equally respected and valued, has equal power and
"input")? Or, were they controlling, distant, angry--or merely
tolerant of one another?
Did they remain together,
or divorce?
Was either abusive, physically, emotionally, or verbally?
Did you experience
abandonment or abuse—physical, verbal, emotional or sexual?
Did you rebel as a child
or teen--failing in school, drinking/drugging, or "act out"
sexually?
Was either of your
parents chronically depressed, anxious, or markedly distant?
Depending upon your exposure to the kinds of circumstances listed above, the degree of support you had in your life, and the work you've already done as an adult, you will have more—or less—work remaining to do. This work, when left undone, will make it difficult for you to relate to loved ones in the healthiest manner. You may fear commitment, fear abandonment, overuse substances, et cetera, depending upon the work you have left to do.
There is good news here: if you're able to identify your issues, you can seek assistance to change the things that make you unhappy. Most human behavior is learned, and thus, we are able to change old "learnings" and substitute newer, more rewarding behaviors. To reiterate: if you have unresolved issues from childhood, you can identify them and work to learn healthier ways of relating. Identifying them will also give you perspective, so that you realize that your issues are about you, and not about your partner.
This
article is by Dee Marx-Kelly, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Dee
welcomes your questions and comments. Her number in San Jose is (408)
246-3525, or
by e-mail at dmk@surfnetusa.com
or, click on the mail link: 