Gaining
Perspective on Stress. When
I was a child, I read the Lil' Abner comic strip. One character was called “Joe
Bfstplk.” He was a strange little man, amidst a collection of odd and
colorful
characters. He embodied a sort of hapless
discouragement, and he was
a jinx, among
other things. No one really wanted to see him coming, nor did they want to
spend time with him.
He walked around with a dark cloud hovering over his
head. The visual image of the dark cloud that followed him everywhere, reminds me of the way we tend to carry our
anxieties, problems, fears and worries—they hover, in sort of amorphous cloud—over
our daily lives, raising our stress levels. These worries are like Joe’s
cloud—dark, murky, and undefined. We can lessen our stress if we stop to
examine and define these worries.
First,
you will need to pay attention to generalized, undefined anxiety, depression,
or “feeling worried.” You must ask yourself what you are
worrying about, and begin to get specific. What are the worries and
problems? Next, you need to ask yourself, “How bad is this?
Realistically, what is likely to happen? What’s the worst thing that
could happen here?” Usually, this kind of worry is not about life
threatening situations. Frequently, the issues we carry about with us (in
Joe’s cloud) aren’t all that bad, when we pin them down, and make ourselves
view them objectively.
When
we worry, we tend to awfulize. We think in absolute terms, which
exaggerate the issues and their importance. This leads to greater stress,
anxiety, and a feeling of discouragement. It is hard to feel positive or
upbeat when habitually awfulizing. When thinking about your worries,
monitor your internal dialogue for words like always, never, terrible, bad,
awful, failure, or horrible. Instead of saying, “It would be awful if I
don’t get that raise” or “I did a horrible job on that project,” make
yourself think in more objective terms. Usually, from an objective
standpoint, it would be unfortunate, and more difficult (financially) if you don’t
get that raise. You might feel resentful, or, it might motivate you to
make sure your performance is up to standards, but it is not awful. A
doctor contracting Hepatitis C from a needle stick, or a child being kidnapped
would be pretty awful. If you use adjectives more realistically, and more
objectively, you’ll feel less stressed and more hopeful.
To
keep things in proportion, realize that we often operate from a subjective
reality, rather than an objective reality. Subjectively, you may feel that
Sally doesn’t like you. Objectively, that may or may not be true.
If you act upon your subjective reality, and treat Sally rudely, or are uptight
around her, you could bring about the very circumstance you feared
(self-fulfilling prophecy). Practice taking a step backward; ask yourself
if your perception is objectively accurate.
Monitor
your self-talk. We all have an internal dialog going on, endlessly.
The process becomes so automatic that we ‘tune out’ and don’t pay
attention to what we’re thinking, or what we’re saying, to ourselves.
We can easily talk ourselves into being upset, angry, discouraged, or
uncooperative. When you experience a negative emotion, pay attention to
what’s going on inside. What are you thinking? What phrases are
running through your head? Once you ‘capture’ some of them, notice if
they are objectively accurate. Most likely, you’re exaggerating in a
negative direction. Tune up your self-talk so that it is more neutral and
objective.
For example, we tend to tell ourselves, “She really made me mad.” Objectively, this isn’t true. What is true? We take what the other person says, or does, and use it to make ourselves mad. We perceive the actions/statements, we tell ourselves she shouldn’t have said or done what she did, and we either make ourselves mad, or we calm ourselves down. Learning to work with your self talk can be very empowering, and can increase your ability to interact and communicate, even in difficult situations. It can help you to learn to “think on your feet” so that you rarely say or do things you later regret.
This
article is by Dee Marx-Kelly, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Dee
welcomes your questions and comments. Her number in San Jose is (408)
246-3525, or
by e-mail at dmk@surfnetusa.com
or, click on the mail link: 