Conflict Resolution: Conflict is inevitable in
relationships. No matter how much you love someone, you will have
differing ideas, preferences, or favored activities. Learning how to
resolve these differences, appropriately, can avoid prolonged or destructive anger
and hostility. Conflict resolution skills include cultivating the
right attitude as well as learning interpersonal techniques.
An attitude of cooperation, valuing
partnership, demonstrating trust, and
general goodwill toward one another aid in the goal of reducing and resolving
conflicts. Consider the following principles for conflict resolution:
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Try to take a problem-solving attitude toward issues, versus one of blame. Problem solving is much more practical and leads people in a different—and more productive—direction than blame. Assigning responsibility is useful to the degree it helps to generate solutions. Blame has a component of punishment attached.
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Learn to take responsibility for your anger: other people can’t make you angry any more than they can make you happy or cause you to lose five pounds. It is true that you can take what they say to you, and as you dwell upon it, you can make yourself very angry about what they have said. You may think, “How dare he say that! He has no right,” but this is just your reaction to what was said.
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When angry, you may need to discuss the issue at another time, or have a referee, or hold your discussion in a coffee shop (where the presence of others will keep both of you from yelling or insulting one another).
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Alternatively, you can “argue” in writing. The advantage of writing to one another is that you may end up explaining your position more clearly, and are likely to remain respectful, as you commit your thoughts and words to paper. This is a good technique to de-fuse angry disagreements.
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Include in your rules for arguments and discussions that neither of you will yell, call names, put down, or otherwise insult or demean the other.
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Learn to take a "time out" in order to cool your anger until you’re able to be responsible for your behavior. Time outs should follow certain rules:
It’s
not OK to use time outs to “ding” the other person, for
example, after you’ve had the last word.
Time
outs can’t be used
to leave and go somewhere that will escalate the argument. That
is, if you're arguing about whether you go to the local bar too
often, then it’s not OK to take a time out so you can go to the bar.
On
your time out do things that allow you to gain self-control and
mellow out. You could
exercise (walk, jog,
bicycle), do relaxation exercises, stretching, or yoga, or meditate. Don’t
do something that contributes to your anger—for many people, activities like
working out on a punching bag can raise levels of aggression and anger.
7. Make use of “cool down” activities—less formal than time out’s, cool downs can be momentary breaks that allow both of you to catch your breath and de-escalate. You could offer to make a cup of tea or coffee, or a sandwich. You could propose a walk around the block. You could suggest, “Hey, let’s stop and take a deep breath.” Remember: this works better when you use I messages and are responsible for your own process. To say, “I’m feeling pretty tense…give me a moment here. How about if I get both of us some lemonade, so I can calm down, and we can continue to have a good discussion?” It usually doesn’t work if you say, “Hey, calm down!” You’re actions are likely to be perceived as a put down and an attempt to control the other person’s behavior. Concentrate on how you can manage your own behavior appropriately.
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This article is by Dee Marx-Kelly, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Dee welcomes your questions and comments. Her number in San Jose is (408) 246-3525,
or
by e-mail at dmk@surfnetusa.com
or, click on the mail link: 