Communication:  Just as gasoline makes cars go, communication makes relationships work.  If we cannot share our thoughts, plans, hopes, dreams, fears, disappointments, and triumphs, we may coexist with one another, but won’t connect with one another. 

Communication goes beyond just using words to make a statement or ask a question.   Words, themselves, are subject to shades of meaning, which good communication can help to clarify.  The messages we intend to send to one another may not be “received” and understood as we intend.  What are some of the rules of good communication?

1. Realize that the other person may not “get” your meaning.  This is a natural fact of communication, and should not be perceived as insulting to you, or that s/he doesn’t care enough to understand. 

2. Be “clean” in your communication:  don’t use sarcasm, negative facial expressions or body language that contradict the meaning of your words.  For example the literal meaning of “You’re so intelligent!” can be contradicted with a sarcastic tone of voice, so that the phrase means the opposite. 

3. Learn to use “I statements,” also called “I messages.”  When you need to share your feelings about an event, I statements are the clearest and least threatening way to do so.  The form of an I statement is this:

You can also comment upon the outcome or the aftermath, or state what you would like to happen or what you would have preferred.  For example, “When I was talking and you interrupted, I felt hurt and disregarded. It seemed like you weren’t interested in what I had to say.”

The advantage to I statements is that you are taking responsibility for and risking to tell about your feelings.  It is a clear communication about your process of your interaction with the other person.  Additionally, you are not attacking or blaming the other person.  The opposite of I statements are the kinds of things we might say or hear others say, such as, “You never listen to me.”  This is unlikely to open a dialog, since the other person will likely feel attacked.  

4. Consider avoiding absolutes like always and never.  The statement “You always...” is rarely a good opening to productive communication.

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This article is by Dee Marx-Kelly, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  Dee welcomes your questions and comments.  Her number in San Jose is (408) 246-3525,

 or by e-mail at dmk@surfnetusa.com or, click on the mail link:    

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